Well, I’ve just been busy, mostly with work, hanging out with friends going to different events, cosplay and dating. So that and not wanting to stay in the house all of the time caused me to putt blogging on the back burner. I also didn’t feel like blogging because my mind was on other things and people. So even though I’m behind by what…… 4 months (even longer if you count last year) I’ll try my best to keep things going.
For almost 8 years I’ve been friends with someone who seemed to be and was a very interesting and alright individual. He was very knowledgeable, intelligent, honest and cool. He seemed to be someone that I could be friends with until the end of time, that is until about year 4 of our friendship. I started noticing and being bothered things that that I would normally brush off. He would do and say things that would irritate and infuriate me. He felt he was right every time he said something and then have some smart-as…. alec comment. He always complained when thing didn’t go his way, especially on his birthday and he always had a way of poking and prodding someone for answers even if they or that person didn’t want to give any.
I actually meet him again for after 7 months (he kept track) to see if I would be moved to change my mind about keeping him as a friend. Well… I should start by saying that the reason that it was seven months was because for that long I wanted to punch him or put him in a submission maneuver. I basically kept my distance away from him because I felt if I was near him that I would do something that I would regret. Now back to the present, I wasn’t moved to keep him as a friend because he was as irritating as ever, even cause a friend of mine to cry. So I made the decision that I didn’t want him to be a part of my life any longer. I expect to see him from time to time at conventions, but outside of that, not at all. He was a good friend at times, but overall he was selfish, manipulative, oblivious and insensitive. I can’t speak for anyone else that knows him, but for myself, this is the right decision for me.
I didn’t want to have to do this
While I feel that I am emotionally intelligent, I want to type about something a bit different. One thing that friends and mostly everyone who sees me more often than not will tell you that I don’t talk much. Now you may be thinking that if you don’t talk much how the hell do you have any friends? Personally I think it’s sex appeal….
, but in general it’s either we have something in common or that they think I’m an alright person. Back on topic, I don’t say much for several reasons, but should actually say something I’m usually relaxed, soft spoken and maybe slightly monotoned. However, on the contrary there aren’t too many friends that can say that they’ve seen me emotional unless it’s a game of UNO, but that’s something else. The reason I am mentioning that is because of something I’ve noticed over the years that whenever I go beyond my neutral (even-keeled/non-emotional) state, my vocabulary increases. Obviously I would have had to learn these words before hand, but I never really use… more advanced words in my neutral state. Another odd thing is that the words I use fit the emotion that I’m in. For example, I would never use the word eviscerate unless I was angry or worse. That’s just one example and normally no one is around when that happens, but that’s what happens to me when I’m inside my own head everyday.
As for the original meaning of emotional intelligence I do have an ability to sense others emotions, heck I was able to feel that a friend was fatigued before I texted her and let her know that I thought she might be feeling that way. After I sent it she said she had spent most of the day moving things and packing for a trip and that she was tired. Could be a coincidence though.
Normally this time of year brings me downer rather I don’t look forward to it. Even at an early age I don’t remember Valentine’s Day being…too eventful for me when everyone would give out cards and candy to their classmates in school. So as I got older and that was no longer a requirement, Valentine’s Day became more about relationships in my eyes, so I didn’t celebrate it. From 4th grade on to my junior year in college I didn’t participate in anything Valentine’s Day related in school or outside of it. Majority of my friends had girlfriends, so I could hangout with them. It was always this day (and my high school senior prom) that reminded me how lonely I was. However, it wasn’t until last year (how ironic, 14 years) that I decided to do something for this day.
I had a friend who I met on November 30, 2012 for movie night at the anime at my college. I decided to invite her to go see Evangelion 3.0 on January 10, 2014 with a friend and I several days before the movie was to be shown. She said she would like to go, but didn’t have any money ,so I said I’d pay for her ticket so she could come. Well, she never came and I spent $10 extra dollars, but I enjoyed the movie and got a two free posters and bookmarks. She texted back apologizing and said that she forgot about the movie and was at a church group during the time of the movie. Now before you scoff (if you were going to that is) she was telling the truth because the week after my friend and I were invited to go ice skating with the group, but decided to forego the trip for another reason, so the group does exist. So about a month later from the movie I invited her to come to the anime club on Friday February 14, 2014 (see how that tied back in lol) so she could get the poster from the Evangelion movie.
Ironically again, a friend and classmate posted that she was apart of a group that would be selling flowers in the campus center at school for $1 a piece. I then decided to not only get her a flower, but another friend plus my grandma and mom as well. So when my friend who missed the movie came, she not only got the poster and bookmark, but unexpected received a flower as well. In return she said thank you and gave me a hug which is my preferred source of communication. That’s not all, later that night other than feeling good that I made someone smile, I made myself smile as well. I week before Valentine’s Day I bought myself a bag of chocolate turtles, but I only ate a few on that day and shared some with my family. This year I’m doing the same with the exception of buying flowers. Why I would like to I feel it would be an awkward situation for me since majority of my female friends are dating, engaged or married. Those that are single might take it the wrong way at least that’s how I feel, so it’s just me and the turtles again this year along with some intense dark chocolate. And most likely next year.
This is something that I receive comments/remarks on a lot because I apparently have a natural “mean mug” or a face that just doesn’t look happy. I originally thought this was something that occurred in high school because I forced myself not to smile throughout most of my sophomore semester and later on I didn’t have to force it because it became natural. However, after talking to my mom, I didn’t smile a lot when I was younger either, unless it was for pictures or if something made me laugh and things of that nature. Now I don’t remember much about my childhood as far as smiling, but the earliest that I received comments about smiling was around the age of ten. There would always be a handful (maybe two) comments made mostly to my mom asking “What’s wrong with him?”, “What did you do to him?”, “He looks so sad” or “Is he alright?”. This would then be followed up with a question towards me asking “What’s wrong Tez?”, and then I would always say nothing because I was minding my own business thinking about stuff or I was bored and wanted to leave where ever we were for whatever reason. More than likely if I wanted to leave from someplace I already knew we weren’t going to be moving any quicker to the car just because I didn’t want to be somewhere.
As for the high school thing, I don’t remember it well, but I do remember feeling alone a lot (hell, I feel alone throughout most of the year) even though I had friends and got along with others well. If I had to guess, I was either disappointed with myself about something or felt I needed a defense mechanism to protect myself from something. Now at this point is when my “sad face” became a “mean face”. I received similar comments of course, so I decided to appease those who asked by actually trying to smile. The reason I say trying to smile is because it felt awkward smiling after putting forth the effort in not smiling, in fact it even hurt to smile for a few months. Now on to my (clears throat) adult years, my face has gone from angry to mad and expressionless. There have been several times where my friends have stated that I have a face made for poker. When it comes to card games and board games this is a very true statement. I can feel the non-expression on my face (I know that makes good sense) as well as my attitude towards the game change. That thinking I did as a kid became a lot more strategic as an adult and not for just games although, if you want to see full on strategy at work, watch a game of UNO between my friends and I.
Now to the other side of this, there are only three occasions that I can remember someone commenting on my lack of a smile. The first was when I was referred to someone about a possible internship. When I went to see this person the first thin he commented on was my facial expression and I may be exaggerating this, but I believe he said something along the lines of me scaring the receptionist when I asked for him by name. The second time something of this nature happened was when I came back from BLF after getting my Linkin Park ticket. There was a homeless woman sitting on the ground on my way to BLF at this point and as I went by her she said hello and I mustered up what I thought was a smile and said hi. Now coming back the same way I decided to give her some money for food or whatever, I was hoping for food. When I reached her she asked me if I was mad and I said no (I just picked up a concert ticket how could I be mad). She then went to say something about how even though she was homeless and what she’s been through in her life she still smiles, she even made a sign about it. I then explained to her. which is true for me, I don’t purposely go around looking mad, this is just my natural facial expression. Of course I tried to appease her and smiled, we talked for a few minutes and we parted ways. I will say that I did try to smile for the rest of the day and then the next day I challenged myself to smile the entire day and succeeded.
The final case of someone commenting on my facial expression was a woman at wal-greens yesterday which prompted me to type this. I was there with my grandma and mom who were looking for hair supplies while I was looking for treats for Valentine’s Day for myself. The issue with the candy at wal-greens it was a bit pricey, so I was deciding intently on what I wanted to buy. All of a sudden some woman comes around the corner into the cant aisle and says “You know you don’t have to mean mug that candy”. Now I KNEW that she was joking and as a common practice of appeasement I thought I should smile however, I just wasn’t really in the mood to appease anyone at that time in fact if she had said hi I would have smiled and said hi back. What I did was give her my natural facial expression, which I feel is a cross between Gaara from Naruto and Tim Duncan from the San Antonio Spurs. As soon as she reached the other side of my shoulder felt that she would be looking back at me, so I looked back at her. When that happened she stated that she was just kidding ,which knew already, faced forward and left the aisle. I told my mom what happened and she felt bad for the woman.
Now I will state again, I do not purposely go around with intent to look mad, it just comes more natural to me that smiling does and I think that it can be hard for some people to understand. If you are happy/content you need to smile or if you look mad you are obviously mad, which neither is always true. I do actually smile when I feel it’s necessary, if something is funny or when a child looks at me. I have been smiling more than I have in the past, which is good for me, but not a lot of people get to see the happier side of me, the unguarded side of me. It’s still a work in progress, but I’ve been loosening up each year and one day I won’t have to try to smile for appeasement.
Now about that Garra and Tim Duncan thing.
This is Garra’s natural facial expression, he has smiled, just not a lot.
And here’s a commercial about Tim Duncan’s facial expression lol
I don’t always smile
but when I do… it’s not bad
Canis24 